BILL CLINTON JOKES

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Clinton Orders A Quickie Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!?" The waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'" Gore's and Hillary's Revenge Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore’s urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what’s the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well sir, its Hillary’s handwriting." Monica Lewinsky Buys Condoms Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated, "I need to buy condoms." The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?" "No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself." Dry Cleaning Monica's Dress Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." Eleventh Commandment Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shall not comfort thy rod with thy staff." Clinton the Story Teller While the Clintons were still in the Governor's Mansion in Arkansas, one night Chelsea came in to the bedroom and said, "Mommy, tell me a story please!" Hillary said, "its 3:00 am, honey, can't you just go to bed?" Chelsea answered, "I tried, Mommy, but I can't sleep... please tell me a story." Hillary thought for a moment and said, "OK, honey, I'll tell you what... You just jump up here in bed with me, and when your daddy finally gets home, we'll BOTH get to hear a story!" The Top 14 Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in "Star Wars" 14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke." 13. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?" 12. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't." 11. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different." 10. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..." 9. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!" 8. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music." 7. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide." 6. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky." 5. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel." 4. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses." 3. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work." 2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top." 1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!" Clinton Jokes Q. If Clinton gets impeached he will be the first president to.... A. Get blowed out of office. Q. Do you know what the FBI discovered the stains on Monica's dress actually were? A. A wad of Bill's. Q. What's Clintons new nick name? A. Drippy Dick Q. What did the Chinese Premier say to Clinton as he boarded Air Force One to leave China? A. Rotsa Ruck on your next erection! Q. Clinton has recommended to the Olympic Committee a new event exclusively for US Presidents and A. Sportscasters: Broad Jumping. Q. What did Hillary Clinton change her name to? A. Sharon Peters Q. What is Bill Clinton's favorite slogan? A. Give me liberty or give me head! Q. What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? A. Sat on the Presidential Staff Q. What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? A. Fornigate. Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A. They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q. What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A. When Hillary is out of town. Q. What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A. Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q. How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A. He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? A. Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes. Q. Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A. He wants to be on top. Q. How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? A. He married her. Q. How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? A. It Takes A Village Q. When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A. When she didn't swallow everything he presented. Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A. A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. Q. What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A. A girl that can run faster than the Governor. Q. What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? A. Swallow the leader Q. Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A. He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno? A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President. Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird? A. The Spread Eagle Q. Whats Lewinsky's favorite bird? A. The swallow Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None, they are to busy screwing the President. Q. Why did Clinton cross the road? A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course Q. Why did the intern cross the road? A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side Q. What was Lewinsky's position at the white house? A. 1.Head Intern A. 2.Under Secretary A. 3.Missionary Q. What is Lewinsky's code name in the FBI? A. Deep Throat Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy? A. An Erector Set Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game? A. Poker Q. What is Clinton's favorite food? A. The Cumquat Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show? A. Leave it to Beaver Q. What's Clinton's favorite song? A. Grooving Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips? A. Lays Q. What is Clinton's Favorite Presidential Act? A. Edict Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries? A. The Dick-taphone Q. What is the unwritten Executive Privilege? A. Having first pick of the new White House Interns. Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor? A. Because he is so good at say, Stroke, Stroke, Stroke. Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer? A. He likes to take a lot of strokes. Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool? A. He is trolling for interns. Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare? A. An intern with braces. Q. What’s Clinton's Economic forecast? A. A Bare Market Q. What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns? A. Tongue Twisters... Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich? A. Tongue Sandwich Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch? A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking Q. Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon? A. He knew she would be good at making things up. Q. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service? A. He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues. Q. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit? A. The Sear Sucker Suit Q. Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton? A. She wanted to get ahead in the world. Q. What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning? A. Read the HEADlines... Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton? A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied. Q. What do Isakoff and Ice Cream have in common? A. Both get scooped regularly. Q. How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning? A. Hot with Whipped Cream Q. What’s Clinton favorite place in the White House? A. The Oval Orifice Q. What magazine does Clinton hate? A. WIRED Q. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House? A. Don't Tripp Q. What did Clinton say the night after the Lewinsky story broke? A. What A Bad Tripp Q. What does Nixon have in common with Clinton? A. Tricky Dick Q. What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s dick and a Quebec Hydro tower? A. A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally Q. What do Sleeping Beauty and Lewinsky have in common? A. Both were Pricked. Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common? A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind. Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common? A. They are both inclined to extend their probes. Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton? A. Goats don't talk Q. What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke? A. Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House? Q. What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the Dress? A. Come and get it. Q. What was Clinton’s last gift to Monica? A. Spot remover. Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton? A. You've got French fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application. Q. What do Monica & the Green Bay Packers have in common? A. They both blew it. Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers? A. To keep his ankles warm. Q. What does Monica & OJ Simpson have in common? A. Sore knees. Q. Why did Clinton quit the saxophone? A. So he could play that Hoarmonica Q. Did you hear about the 11th commandment Clinton introduced? A. Thou shallst not expose thou rod to thy staff Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? A. CHELSEA Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House? A. The President after Bush Q. What is the name of Monica Lewinsky's new book? A. My Taste For Power Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A. His lips are moving Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog? A. A dog chases his own tail Q. What is Clinton's codename? A. The Unibanger Q. What do you call Clinton's fly? A. U.S. Open Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal? A. I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff. Q. Do you know who Hillary has asked to stay at the White House? A. Lorena Bobbitt Q. Why are they asking for $3.00 Presidential funds in this year's tax returns (Last year it was only $1.00) A. Because The condom prizes have gone up! Q. What is the difference between the president and the titanic? A. They know exactly how many people went down on the titanic. Q. When can you tell that the country is in trouble? A. Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal. Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern? A. I haven't come across your face. Q. What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story? A. NOW she decides to open her mouth Q. What does Bill think the "new" fishnet stockings are called? A. Intern-net Q. What is the new job Clinton gave Monica on his cabinet? A. Secretary of Affairs Q. Did Bill ever use viagra when he was having his sexual relations with Monica? A. Yes, he did. Viagra makes you fat. Why do you think Bill is losing weight and Monica is gaining it! Q. What is the comparison between Monica and Chelsea? A. They are always down on all fours. A. They both enjoy a good cigar. Q. What's the name of Monica's new book? A. It takes a spillage. Q. What happened when Monica went riding with the Indian in his car? A. A blown injun. Q. What do Monica Lewinski and a Pepsi machine have in common? A. They both have a place to insert Bill. Q. What do Bill Clinton and the R.M.S. Titanic have in common? A. They both lost a lot of sea-men. Q. What are the top two universities providing White House internships? A. Moorehead State and Bringham Young. Q. What’s The Difference between Monica Lewinski and a mosquito? A. When You slap a mosquito it stops sucking. Q. Why doesn’t Chelsea Clinton have any brothers or sisters? A. Monica Lewinsky swallowed them all. Q. What's Clinton's worst nightmare? A. Vampire interns Q. What's the difference between greeting a queen and greeting Bill Clinton? A. You only have to get on one knee to greet the queen. Q. How will history remember Bill Clinton? A. The President after Bush. Q. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? A. To keep his ankles warm. Q. What is Bill's idea of safe sex? A. When Hillary is out of town. Q. Lorena Bobbitt and Monica Lewinsky are opening up a hair salon together. What did they name it? A. "Cut and Blow." Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and government bonds? A. Government bonds will mature someday. Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a scuba diver's wet suit? A. The wet suit's hard to get off. Q. Why is Hillary standing by her man? A. So she doesn't get her dress soiled. Q. What's Bill Clinton's biggest fear? A. An intern with braces on her teeth Q. How is Monica Lewinsky on a first date like Mark McGuire right after he hit his 62nd home run? A. They both get so excited that they skip right past first base. Q. So how is Bill Clinton like Mark McGuire? A. They both made headlines with their wacker. Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? A. They know how many went down on the Titanic. Q. How did Bill describe sex with his wife? A. "Close, but no cigar." Q. What do Monica's dress and NASCAR have in common? A. Both suffer from Dick Trickle. Q. What is Bill Clinton's favorite sport? A. Luinskiing. Q. What does Monica Lewinsky have in her pocket? A. A wad of Bills. Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite flower? A. (No, not Jennifer.) A. Tulips Q. How is Bill Clinton like an automatic teller machine? A. They both shoot out little bills. Q: What's the difference between Hillary and Bill? A: Hillary doesn't get caught. Q. What's Bill and Hillary's LEAST favorite song? A. "Devil With The Blue Dress On Q. How is Bill Clinton like John McEnroe? A. They both say it was out, but the judges say it was in. Q. What is Clinton’s latest line of defense....? A. Well, She didn't swallow!!!!!!!! Q. How does Clinton keeps his beer cold when he is at a ball game? A. He has Hillary hold it between her legs. Q. What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a vacuum cleaner? A. Where the dirt bag attaches. Q. What do you call 8 straight days of oral sex? A. Hanukah Lewinsky. Q. Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton computer? A. It's got a 6 inch hard drive, but no memory. Q. Do you know what game they are playing at the Whitehouse? A. Swallow the leader Clinton Meets New Interns Two new young interns are hired in the White House. They are walking down the hall when President Clinton sees them. The President walks up and says, "Gee, I've never come across your faces before." Red Ring Around Clinton's Collar While undressing for bed one night, good ole Bill notices something like a red rash around his you know what. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!" He makes an appointment to see his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day. "Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it?" The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else." Bill takes the pills for a week but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to the doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. He takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there! So he goes back to the doctor and asks,” What next?" The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know. "Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news Doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?" The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover."